Today’s essay task, boys and girls, is to tell us why you would make a good Prime Minister of Australia. As you may have noticed, the grown-ups are making a mess of it.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of going into politics. It’s not because I want to be the change I want to see in the world; it’s not because I’m overly concerned with human rights or environmental issues, it’s mainly because I’m an egocentric attention seeker and I like the idea of wielding a little power. It’s a feminist version of wanting to be a princess.
This would work well because I would be comfortable in the spotlight and Prime Ministers are always on the front page for one thing or another.
I have a law degree in my bottom drawer but have never practiced law, so I have the knowledge but also the intact integrity to understand the gobbledegook that goes on in parliament without trying to corrupt it.
I’ve got a sense of humour and can laugh at myself. Ruddy and Hawke are the only ones that spring to mind here and the people loved that. A good Prime Minister should be a little bit of a stand-up comedian too. Tony Abbott is of course very funny, but he doesn’t mean to be which makes our laughter feel just a little bit cruel.
I don’t wear high heels. All flats. No danger of face planting in front of the media…(unless I’ve had a long lunch with Hawkey.)
I know what it’s like to be poor. I have lived in the housing commission house, I have eaten dry rice bubbles for days. I’ve had my electricity, gas and phone disconnected. I’m in touch with the battlers. I was also a housekeeper at Kerry Packer’s mansion so I can relate to people across the spectrum.
I’m a control freak who likes to talk.
I have already aired all my dirty laundry in a kiss-and-tell memoir so there’s no point looking for skeletons in my closet because I wear them unashamedly.
My husband is a school teacher so I’ve got my finger on the pulse of the public education system.
I have been a drug addict and can confidently say that prohibition and criminalization of addiction is counterproductive and just plain wrong.
I’ve been a struggling single mum and know how deeply the recent welfare cuts are affecting the backbone of our society so I’d not only reinstate the single parent pension as it was, I’ll throw in a few more bonuses.
I’m not homophobic and support gay marriage. Some of my best friends….you know how it goes.
I do believe that every time someone says they don’t believe in global warming, a gorgeous little hippy dies. I lived in Nimbin for a while. I like hippies and global warming gives me nightmares.
I would put up a family of boat people in the guest wing of The Lodge. I’d treat them like human beings. Give them a hug, a blanket and a cup of tea. I would close the Auschwitz refugee camps, dismantle them and build memorial gardens instead to commemorate all the beautiful souls that got stomped on there.
I’d clean up the violent, bullying, raping, murdering police force. (And that cop who severed Domadgee’s liver by accidentally falling on him….I’d see you get something for that…you know who you are.)
I’d tell the fat cat miners to play nice and put something back into this country instead of just bleeding her dry.
I’d make Clive Palmer’s Titanic my preferred method of visiting coastal towns and cities and have a camel caravan for interior tours. Kind of like Gaddafi without all the murdering.
I’d appoint Kylie Minogue as my foreign minister, James Packer as my Treasurer….NOT! perhaps Gina…she knows how to turn a buck, Dot.com could be my Minister for Broadband and all things internet, Minister for Families etc could be Steve Biddulph because he seems to know all about that sort of thing. Minister for Education – my husband….and the rest are open to the highest bidder.
I’d stop giving money to Private schools and pour it into the public system. I’d make free breakfasts a compulsory part of every school in Australia.
I’d sack the Royal Family. I’ll be the Queen of this country (symbolically speaking of course).
I’d make politics a bit more exciting. More party in the party. Spice it up. Take a leaf out of the old Roman Emperor’s books. Toga parties, feasts and banquets, some gladiatorial good fun. First spectacular spectacular could be ‘Abbott and the Lions’.
I’m already having so much fun…pick me, pick me!