I am perennially dissatisfied. With everything. But before you go thinking I'm some whining sour-puss, think again. I am upbeat, energetic and annoyingly positive most of the time. I see dissatisfaction as a necessary aspect of my life - it drives me forward. What I fear, loathe and do all I can to avoid - is - treading water...being careless and carefree. To me that sounds like...well....like death. You know the old Bon Jovi lyrics...'I'll live while I'm alive and sleep when I'm dead'....that's my motto in life.
I don't watch television or movies unless it's something I really want to watch....and most of what I watch must serve some purpose beyond mere entertainment unless due to overwhelming stress, I prescribe a dose of pure escapism. Every-time I see someone wander through the living room and stop and stare at whatever drivel is on the box, I want to bitch-slap them....unless it's my kids because I'm not an advocate of smacking.....minors! People who sleep-in infuriate me. Meditation sounds like a recipe for a coma. I tried it once and the voices in my head were suddenly sooooo loud that I nearly went deaf.
I am impossible to live with because I am the ultimate whip-cracker...more....faster...move....now!
My house can't be comfortable, it must be stunning and I am forever redecorating and shuffling furniture about because a change is as good as a holiday. I can't just look 'okay for my age', I must stress endlessly about how I could look better. I don't do health kicks by half measures, I become an expert in super-food nutrition. I don't exercise, I torture myself. I don't want to be well-off, I want to be stinking rich. I don't want a Logie...I want an Oscar! When I watched 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,' for the first time....I didn't 'get' that Veruca Salt was selfish...I got that she was a driven girl who knew what she wanted. When someone calls me a bitch...I blush with pride. Why, thank-you. A bitch is the opposite of...a demure, submissive woman. I'm obsessive and compulsive and proud of it. You don't get out of the suburbs by being easily satisfied! Nice girls don't make history!
To accept second best or worse, is to sell out.
This attitude, not of gratitude, but of bratitude is what gives my life momentum. Without it, I would have missed out on so much adventure. I have moved a lot in my life and it drives my family crazy. In the last ten years for example I have lived in six different towns or cities and haven't fallen in love with any of them. I have been a Medical Receptionist, Drama teacher, Family Counselor and Writer. I have written articles for magazines, a memoir, a children's book, three screenplays, an erotic fiction novel/memoir, a sweeping blockbuster and am working on a literary drama.
When I am still, I feel decidedly uncomfortable. I am driven by goals and projects and frankly, the idea of lying in a hammock with a tropical cocktail makes me ill. I would much rather go white-water rafting with the cocktail and challenge myself not to spill a drop.
I went for a long walk on a beach recently. It was a flat, sandy, beach full of crab holes and oyster shells. Dull, overcast day. The kids took too long, pottering about doing nothing much. I sat and stared out at the horizon for what seemed an eternity and on the way home someone asked me if I had fun. No, I did not have fun! I spent the whole time thinking of more productive things I could have been doing. Fun would have been flying to London for a film premier and then hiring a car and driving to Loch Ness to throw a coin into the water and make a wish, followed by a wild party with mad Scottish people, doing Shrek impersonations, in a pub until dawn.
New York is my city of choice. Champagne, my tipple. Favourite colours are orange and anything with stripes. Music....fast old school rock and roll. I like action movies. I like driving in sports cars. I add chili to all my food and I sleep for a restless four hours a night.
I will stop one day and smell the roses. I have had people caution me that if I wait too long there won't be any roses left. How stupid. Roses are just flowers. They grow and die in the same little space. They're not endangered. They're not going anywhere. When I am ready, when the dancing shoes fall off, I will pull up a patch of land, put down my flag and lie in that hammock and catch up on my reading, tend a veggie garden and enjoy day-time naps.
But not for a while yet.....there are mountains to climb, oceans to cross, Oscars to win and many miles to go before I sleep....................